My mum and dad have been busy this week – and not just messing about in the garden either.
Well, two cheques, actually, of money collected at Trev’s funeral. One made out to Papworth for a total of £1,000, and another to the British Heart Foundation for £697.51, so altogether just shy of £1,700 was collected.
My brother would’ve been very proud of all you guys – his wonderful family and friends – for being so generous and managing to turn the tragedy of his death into a little triumph of generosity and love.
Here’s a picture of my parents handing over the money to Mr Jayan Parameshwar, Cardiac Consultant at Papworth.
I’ve been feeling a bit better since I went out over the weekend and let rip (i.e., got very drunk), as various people had encouraged me to do. Things had been getting on top of me a little bit again with regards to Trev; I had been feeling oddly trapped and needing to stop being sensible and grown-up and just do something completely pointless.
Getting drunk and dancing all night turned out to be the solution. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s a long-term solution, but it is, perhaps, a part of a long-term solution. To let go, to uncoil that spring inside you and release the tension. It was good to be out with my friends, with my guard down and with the music so loud that thinking about Trev would’ve been difficult.
And despite Sunday’s hangover it feels as though the pressure of the grief inside me has fallen somewhat. I feel able to deal with the reality of Trev’s death again, and able to remember him mostly with a smile rather than a tear, whereas before that was becoming more difficult as last week went on.
I notice on my brother’s blog that he’s been feeling very angry as a consequence of Trev’s death, but it’s reassuring to see that having Trev’s guitar to play is one of his strategies for coping. Unfortunately I have no musical ability whatsoever so that wouldn’t have helped me. I do know that Trev would be glad that his much-loved guitar is really helping Rich get through this.
So what are my coping strategies, then? Well, I’m not angry person, fortunately, about Trev’s death since I figure there’s nothing to be angry about: it was no one’s fault, there was nothing we know of that could have been done to prevent it.
But my coping strategy? I tried to explain it to Conny last week, that I like to imagine I’m somehow living for two, now. That it’s my responsibility to live the best life I can and enjoy life as much as possible, as though, with Trev gone, I were sharing it with him, as though I’d taken on his responsibilities… No, not his “responsibilities”, rather his…his ability to live and enjoy life.
I know I can’t actually do this, but it’s my chance to think that he won’t be missing out so much if I can replace some of that love of life and delight in the world that are missing now he’s gone.
Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t even make sense to me so what hope have you got?! Nevertheless, that is my way of coping at the moment.
That and having two lovely girls and a beautiful wife to pull me along with them when all I want to do sometimes is simply throw my hands in the air and give in.