Harsh times

A quiet week.  Quiet in terms of activity, at least, but very NOISY emotionally speaking.

Monday and Tuesday I had a rather terrible time of it, just from being really really really depressed and angry.  Not sad, but depressed, in the sense that I was stomping about and not caring about anything – except things I was ANGRY about.  This unfortunate confluence of anger and depression meant that not only did I not really care about things I should care about, but I was screaming at people and things in my head that I shouldn’t care about – not a good combination.

The anger was mainly targeted at my job – something I don’t talk about here because…well, mainly because I think it would be a bad idea.  Let’s just say that no good would come of it and leave it at that, shall we?

What’s “interesting” about my near-meltdown is that it didn’t seem to connected with Trev – certainly it didn’t seem to be triggered by that or centered upon it.  I’ve little doubt that his loss is a major cause, but his death didn’t feel like the eye of the storm as so often before.  Having gotten over the initial shock, disbelief and grief at Trev’s death the emotions are no longer so in-your-face, but they’re still out there – deep, dangerous currents, invisible, but circling beneath the surface.

It was a bit scary to be me on Monday and Tuesday though – I really did feel out of control.

I would like to say thanks to people on Facebook who responded to a couple of my status updates with some kind and reassuring words.  It was surprising to see some of those because Trev’s death increasingly feels – to me – as though it’s something that happened and from which most people have moved on from, leaving us (his family) behind and still mired in its after-effects.

So, to everyone who responded to my status updates – thank you.  They meant an awful lot to me when I needed it.

Annnnnyway…moving breezily on!

The Lovely Melanie met Millie’s teacher, Mrs Childs, for the first time last night, and we got another excellent report.  Millie asks a lot of questions (hooray!) and ability-wise is slap-bang in the middle of her class.  Not bad for the youngest and smallest!

How to really love a child by SarkWhich reminds me.  One thing which helped me to finally shake off my mood was this little piece of literature which I found – again – on Facebook.

It might sound idiotic to non-parents but this has really lifted my parenting skills over the last couple of days, reminding me of how important these years are to the girls’ and how vital it is that I try to rise above my own problems and give them the best possible childhood.

That is what Trev would have wanted.



  1. Hi,

    Your post came up on the Tag Surfer this morning and I just wanted to say hello. I have pinched your picture today and will use it in a blog myself (linked to you of course). It is lovely and it does indeed remind us that these days are fleeting and we must make the most of our children every moment that we get. Too often we get caught up in their misdemeanors and we spend too long wound up about spilt milk.
    Thank you for reminding to me love them unconditionally, even if there is a toilet roll entirely unravelled on my bathroom floor at the moment courtesy of my 18 month old son.


  2. Hi, Bernice – very pleased to make your acquaintance. 🙂
    We all need reminding of these things at times, I think. I know I do. “Shouldn’t” but nevertheless, “do”.
    But that’s because life moves pretty fast – we all get distracted (parents more than most). However, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it (as Ferris Bueller told us) 😉

  3. I wish it was mine, Rebecca!
    It’s surprising how genius doesn’t always mean big words or big ideas, isn’t it? Sometimes genius just means reminding you of something. 🙂

  4. Of all of the parents i “know” (i’m talking of children) … you are one i’d be least likely to put in to the catagory of someone likely to ‘forget’ to give their all to parenting.

    I had my friend up here the other week, she’s two little girls. I read your blog about smelling your children (lol) to her, and she got it. I want to get it! I think I do, but one day, I will look back on this thought, while smelling my children, and know that i so didn’t get it. 😦

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