A quiet week. Quiet in terms of activity, at least, but very NOISY emotionally speaking.
Monday and Tuesday I had a rather terrible time of it, just from being really really really depressed and angry. Not sad, but depressed, in the sense that I was stomping about and not caring about anything – except things I was ANGRY about. This unfortunate confluence of anger and depression meant that not only did I not really care about things I should care about, but I was screaming at people and things in my head that I shouldn’t care about – not a good combination.
The anger was mainly targeted at my job – something I don’t talk about here because…well, mainly because I think it would be a bad idea. Let’s just say that no good would come of it and leave it at that, shall we?
What’s “interesting” about my near-meltdown is that it didn’t seem to connected with Trev – certainly it didn’t seem to be triggered by that or centered upon it. I’ve little doubt that his loss is a major cause, but his death didn’t feel like the eye of the storm as so often before. Having gotten over the initial shock, disbelief and grief at Trev’s death the emotions are no longer so in-your-face, but they’re still out there – deep, dangerous currents, invisible, but circling beneath the surface.
It was a bit scary to be me on Monday and Tuesday though – I really did feel out of control.
I would like to say thanks to people on Facebook who responded to a couple of my status updates with some kind and reassuring words. It was surprising to see some of those because Trev’s death increasingly feels – to me – as though it’s something that happened and from which most people have moved on from, leaving us (his family) behind and still mired in its after-effects.
So, to everyone who responded to my status updates – thank you. They meant an awful lot to me when I needed it.
Annnnnyway…moving breezily on!
The Lovely Melanie met Millie’s teacher, Mrs Childs, for the first time last night, and we got another excellent report. Millie asks a lot of questions (hooray!) and ability-wise is slap-bang in the middle of her class. Not bad for the youngest and smallest!
It might sound idiotic to non-parents but this has really lifted my parenting skills over the last couple of days, reminding me of how important these years are to the girls’ and how vital it is that I try to rise above my own problems and give them the best possible childhood.
That is what Trev would have wanted.