ME: Hello, Geek Squad person. I have come to collect my phone, which I gave you to repair last week. You may recall you have sent me two text messages this morning telling me that it was ready to collect.
GEEK: Thank you for that brief recap of the story so far, sir. I shall see if I can locate your phone forthwith.
GEEK: Ah, sir, there appears to be a small problem.
ME: I do hope not! What sort of problem?
GEEK: We are presently unable to find your phone.
ME: What?! By Toutatis! How can this be – you texted to say it’s in the store awaiting my arrival!
GEEK: Er, yes, but, er, well, that’s a computer that sends those message, sir. In actual fact, your phone is not in the store awaiting your arrival. Sorry.
ME: Not in the store?! By Swindon, this is a rum do and no mistake! Where is my phone, then?
GEEK: We don’t know.
ME: You don’t know?
GEEK: No. It was supposed to be delivered on the lorry today but it never turned up.
ME: My phone never turned up?!
GEEK: No, the lorry never turned up, sir. There’s a whole load of phones gone missing. Customers is most un’appy, sir.
ME: I see. Well, when is this lorry likely to become unlost?
GEEK: We are looking for it now, sir. If we can’t find it in the next three days we’ll replace your phone for you.
ME: Damn your eyes, man, I should bally well hope so! Losing a whole lorry – I’ve never heard anything like it!
GEEK: It has happened a few times recently, sir. It’s most regrettable.
ME: Not as regrettable as this bloody Nokia Mark 1 you’ve given me which keeps switching off in the middle of important phone calls!