Android trauma

I spent a frustrating evening introducing the Lovely Melanie to her new phone – a Samsung Galaxy S2, like the one I had, but in white.

With our twin white Android phones (her S2, my S3) we now make a charming couple.

But whereas I found the change from Apple to Android to be liberating and simple, the Lovely Melanie – whose fascination with technology is as limited as mine is endless – inexplicably found it a lot harder.

LOVELY MELANIE: What’s that noise?

ME: You’ve got a text.

LM: How do I see it?

ME: Pull down the notification bar from the top and…

LM: I don’t want to know about that, I want to know where my text is.

ME: Well, that’s the easiest way to do it – you get a preview…

LM: Yes, yes, yes, but where is it?

ME: Well, you can go into the Messaging app…

LM: I don’t want to send a message, I just want to find my text.  Why can’t I find my text?

ME: Look, if you want to see your message you either get a preview from the pull-down menu or…

LM: I don’t care about your geeky menu, I just want to see my text!  Why is it so difficult?  It’s not difficult on the iPhone!

ME: This isn’t difficult at all.  It’s easier than the iPhone, but it is slightly different.

LM: Well, where is my music?

ME: Let me put the PlayerPro widget on your homescreen.  Widgets are…

LM: I don’t care about wedgies, I want to know where my music is.

ME: Trust me, widgets are really helpful.  Are there not widgets on iPhones??

LM: I don’t know.  I just want to see my music.

ME: Look, let me just put the widget on your homescreen… There.

LM: What is that?  Why is it so big?

ME: It’s a music player widget so you don’t have to open the music player every time.

LM: It takes up too much of the screen.

ME: You’ve got eight other empty screens.

LM: Get rid of it.  Where is the shortcut?  Oh, no – I’ve entered the wrong postcode into my account details!  Oh, no!  How do I change it?  How do I change it?!?!

ME: I don’t know.  I’ve never entered the wrong postcode into my account details before.

LM: This didn’t happen on the iPhone!

ME: No, it never happened on my phone either.

LM: Well, how do I change it?  Why is this so difficult?!?!?!

ME: Calm down.  Try pressing the menu button and go into Settings.

LM: There are loads of menus in here!  Which one is it?  Why are there so many menus?!  The iPhone only has one.

ME: The iPhone has more than one.  And there are menus because you can customise your phone A LOT.

LM: I don’t want to customise my phone, I’m not like you!  This is too complicated!

ME: Well, don’t customise it, then.

LM: Why can’t you just make it look like an iPhone?

ME: You can if you really want; you can make it look and work exactly like an iPhone – or like any phone you want.  Look, my dad managed to figure out how to use Android, so you should be able to.

LM: This ringtone is terrible.

ME: Well, change it, then!

LM: I can’t be bothered.  But it’s really annoying.

ME: Sigh.



  1. I have been on Android since time began, or at least since I got rid of my old Nokia (or lost it in Bolivia) … I cannot understand iPhones. Whenever I need to do anything on TD’s phone i freak out and want to throw it.

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