I spent a frustrating evening introducing the Lovely Melanie to her new phone – a Samsung Galaxy S2, like the one I had, but in white.
With our twin white Android phones (her S2, my S3) we now make a charming couple.
But whereas I found the change from Apple to Android to be liberating and simple, the Lovely Melanie – whose fascination with technology is as limited as mine is endless – inexplicably found it a lot harder.
ME: You’ve got a text.
LM: How do I see it?
ME: Pull down the notification bar from the top and…
LM: I don’t want to know about that, I want to know where my text is.
ME: Well, that’s the easiest way to do it – you get a preview…
LM: Yes, yes, yes, but where is it?
ME: Well, you can go into the Messaging app…
LM: I don’t want to send a message, I just want to find my text. Why can’t I find my text?
ME: Look, if you want to see your message you either get a preview from the pull-down menu or…
LM: I don’t care about your geeky menu, I just want to see my text! Why is it so difficult? It’s not difficult on the iPhone!
ME: This isn’t difficult at all. It’s easier than the iPhone, but it is slightly different.
LM: Well, where is my music?
ME: Let me put the PlayerPro widget on your homescreen. Widgets are…
LM: I don’t care about wedgies, I want to know where my music is.
ME: Trust me, widgets are really helpful. Are there not widgets on iPhones??
LM: I don’t know. I just want to see my music.
ME: Look, let me just put the widget on your homescreen… There.
LM: What is that? Why is it so big?
ME: It’s a music player widget so you don’t have to open the music player every time.
LM: It takes up too much of the screen.
ME: You’ve got eight other empty screens.
LM: Get rid of it. Where is the shortcut? Oh, no – I’ve entered the wrong postcode into my account details! Oh, no! How do I change it? How do I change it?!?!
ME: I don’t know. I’ve never entered the wrong postcode into my account details before.
LM: This didn’t happen on the iPhone!
ME: No, it never happened on my phone either.
LM: Well, how do I change it? Why is this so difficult?!?!?!
ME: Calm down. Try pressing the menu button and go into Settings.
LM: There are loads of menus in here! Which one is it? Why are there so many menus?! The iPhone only has one.
ME: The iPhone has more than one. And there are menus because you can customise your phone A LOT.
LM: I don’t want to customise my phone, I’m not like you! This is too complicated!
ME: Well, don’t customise it, then.
LM: Why can’t you just make it look like an iPhone?
ME: You can if you really want; you can make it look and work exactly like an iPhone – or like any phone you want. Look, my dad managed to figure out how to use Android, so you should be able to.
LM: This ringtone is terrible.
ME: Well, change it, then!
LM: I can’t be bothered. But it’s really annoying.