What do you do at six in the morning to convince your children that they’d better shut the goddamn hell up or there’ll be hell to pay to be quiet – particularly when Child #1’s shouting and complaining is going to wake up a peacefully sleeping Child #2?

Child #1 has no sense of reason or empathy at that time of day, no apparent fear of being “fined” pocket money.  Having tried to reason with her, shushed her and, finally, threatened her, chloroforming began to seem like a sensible option.

And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for that interfering Lovely Melanie!

And the lack of chloroform.

But seriously, how do you get your children to be quiet when you need them to be quiet and don’t have the time (or, possibly, at 6am, the inclination) to be a loving and nurturing example of adult values?

If/when the zombie apocalypse comes and I need my children to be silent if we’re to survive the wandering hordes of hungry undead, how can I get them to be quiet immediately?

(bit of a change of tack there, you probably noticed, but I do think of these things sometimes…)

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