The perfect Monday


6am this morning.  Children are up and being noisy.  Why are children up being noisy?  Sigh.

ME: Children, why are you up being noisy?  Stop being up and noisy.  Millie, why are you in Amber’s bed?  Go back to your own bed, it’s six o’clock in the morning.

MILLIE: I can’t, there’s sick in my bed.

ME: What?

MILLIE: I was sick in my bed and I told Mummy but she just said Mm, that’s nice, go back to bed so I had to come and sleep in Amber’s bed.

AMBER: She’s got sick in her bed so I said she could come and sleep in my bed.  I haven’t got sick in my bed.

ME: Ohh, for flip’s flipping sake!

I go into Millie’s room.  There is sick in her bed.  I open the curtains, there is snow outside.

ME: Well, flipping shoot.

I’m downstairs putting sick-covered sheets and pillow cases and blankets and pyjamas into the washing machine.  Last night’s washing up is still there, too.

MILLIE: Dids, I just found this in my bed.

She hands me the bottom half of a snow dome and some broken glass.

MILLIE: And my bed is wet and there’s glitter in it, too.

I step outside into the garden

ME: For flip’s flipping shootin’ flippin’ sake!  Shoot!

I step back indoors.

ME: Right, follow me.  Stay away from the bed.

Millie’s bed is indeed wet and covered in glitter.  There is inexplicably glass on and around it.

ME: Are you all right, Millie?  You haven’t cut yourself at all?

MILLIE: No.

ME: Right, go back downstairs.

Millie goes back downstairs.

ME: Flippin’ shoot.

I lift the mattress up, hoover it, hoover down the back, hoover around the floor, turn the hoover off, shake glass out of the pipe, turn hoover back on and finish hoovering.

ME: Right, Millie, can you please come and tidy up your room and your stuff from Amber’s room.

MILLIE:  Ohhh, do I have to?

ME: Yes.

Ten minutes later.

ME: Millie, can you come upstairs and tidy up the stuff off your floor like I asked you to, please?

MILLIE: I’ve already done it once!

ME: No, you haven’t  Come and do it now, please.

Two minutes later.

ME: Millie, can you come and finish tidying your room, please!

MILLIE: I’ve done it twice now!

ME: And yet, alas, it is still messy.

One minute later.

ME: Millie…!

MILLIE: What?!?!

ME: Your room still needs tidying.

MILLIE: No, it does not!

ME: OK, well, I’ll put your pyjamas, headbands, hair-clips, book and nuffle in the bin, then.

MILLIE: Unhhh!

ME: Yeah, whatever.

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