ME: The kids aren’t here at the moment.
ALSO ME BUT PRETENDING TO BE A READER FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS POST: Oh? Where are they?
ME: At this particular moment, I should imagine they’re halfway to Felixstowe.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: Oh, my God, does the white slave trade have them?!
ME: No, stop being so dramatic (and borderline racist). They’re with their grandparents.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: Their grandparents are white slave traders?!
ME: No, it’s school summer holidays. Because we have to work the Lovely Melanie’s parents are looking after them. They’ve all gone on holiday to Felixstowe.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: But summer holidays started last week. Did you just leave them home – at the mercy of white slave traders?!!
ME: What the hell is it with you and the white slave trade??! No, last week they were in Swindon.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: Birthplace of the white slave trade!!!
ME: No, it isn’t, as you very well know. They were staying with my parents for most of the week; had a whale of a time there, by all accounts, especially with their young cousin, Izzy.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: Is she a slaver?
ME: No, she’s three years old.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: Child slavery prodigy, eh?
ME: No! Well, not that I know of. It’s highly doubtful.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: If you say so.
ME: I do. Anyway, we barely saw the girls last week and we won’t see them this week until Friday. I don’t think they’ve ever been away for quite so long.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: They’d be gone longer if the white slave trade got hold of them.
ME: This is hopeless.
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: So is…
ME: ..the white slave trade?
AMBPTBARFTPOFP: Actually, I was going to say “your mum”.
ME: She’s your Mum as well.